Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
