No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
