I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I could fuck to npr.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
