I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
