you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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