i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
