We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize