What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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