when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
