you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
