it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
