The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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