hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
