I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
50% drunk capacity currently
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
