I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
