Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
