I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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