$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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