that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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