so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
