tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
