I want to stick my p in your. b.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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