How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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