Apparently you make a good broom.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize