I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
