Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
