Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
