she woke up with a sticky ear
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
