You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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