by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize