so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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