I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
