I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
