just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
