My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
