Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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