he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize