remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
