This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
