Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
