Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
