If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
