somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
