I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
