he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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