I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
