I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
