i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
