the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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