I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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