You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
