Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
