Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
