obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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