thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
