You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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