Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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