There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
